Typically, Christmas has been a time where loneliness has
been considered again and again as one of those risk factors for suicide. It still is.
The expected happiness at Christmas is a like a night and
day spotlight on loneliness. It is supposed to be the most wonderful time of
the year where all is merry and bright.
We are supposed to be together with the ones we love and we are all
supposed to be happy.
There is a weight of expectation. We are deluged and saturated with the bright
and cheerful music that is supposed to take us back to those magical, childhood
feelings of being three and four years of age where we were excited for toys. Beyond getting past no longer believing in
Santa Claus we awaken to family dysfunction and why our families do not look
like TV commercials with their perfidious bursts of coziness and warmth and soft
ringing chimes.
In contrast and at the risk of exaggeration, the lonely
person at Christmas is viewed as isolated, abandoned, helpless, hopeless, and likely
contemplating how bad it is and how no one in the world cares if they were
alive. The lonely person thinking about such apathy
can start thinking about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and even think
about ways to end their life.
Maybe the lonely person at Christmas is not that bad. However, they might be thinking of ways to
end their life and s make a plan to do it.
Even with this sense of exaggeration suicidal thoughts are real for many
in the loneliness and some will attempt it and tragically some will succeed.
Coping is Managing Our Emotional Pain
It is my opinion that if you have gotten through loneliness
even with suicidal thoughts you have been successful in coping. Coping does not make everything better.
Coping is managing our emotional pain and distress. More
specifically coping skills and activities are those choices we make or those
practices we engage in to get through the pain and suffering of life.
In 2020 with the
Covid-19 pandemic there has been a legally and socially mandated isolation and
of course with it there has been nine to ten (10) months of loneliness. We have not been able to be out with our
support people. We have missed weddings,
funerals, baptisms, church services. It
would seem that with everything that has happened in 2020, loneliness at this
Christmas is like rubbing salt in a wound or alcohol-based hand sanitizer in a
paper cut (it really stings).
Some of the typical prescriptions for coping with loneliness
is to go volunteer at a mission or soup kitchen and get out of your house. That remedy is not necessarily going to be
feasible most places, especially where I live in Louisville, Kentucky USA where
the missions and homeless shelters have to maintain Covid-19 precautions.
Another remedy for loneliness is to get a pet. Pets are essentially people and have an
emotional relationship with their owners.
Pets give their owners unconditional acceptance and attention. They
require you to take care of their physical needs so it is something else that
you think about other than your own loneliness.
Pets are a good thing as many clients have told me over the years that
their pets give them meaning and purpose. Well, that may be a little more feasible,
because there are still rescue animals available, but some people rent and many
landlords don’t allow pets. Furthermore,
pets are a financial responsibility because they need food and expensive
veterinarian visits and if you have a cat you need the all-important kitty
litter, so this may not be a reasonable option for loneliness, but if you want
a pet and can get a pet . . . it may be a good idea.
Otherwise, coping through loneliness may be some hard work
between the ears. Depending on who you are
and your situation it may be harder work than I can even begin to guess, and
you might be swearing under your breath as you read this.
Being Alone Versus Loneliness.
Allow me to take an emotional
intelligence approach. There are at
least three emotional states when we are alone.
|
Feeling Lonely |
Being Alone |
Craving Privacy |
Being alone is an existential state but what it means to us
at that time depends on what we are thinking and what other needs we have. We can also merely be alone and focused on
some other than our feelings, and we can actually crave privacy.
When we are alone, we are not
focused on the fact that we are alone. We do not have any particular emotional need
at the time. As the line in Kelly
Clarkson’s song Stronger stated to some estranged love interest:
“Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.”
We are good and we are
focused on something that engages us and satisfies us or makes us content at
the time even while we are by ourselves.
The other emotional state when
being alone is craving privacy. When
we crave privacy, we have the need for space and boundaries between us and
other people. People can tire us out and
we need to be alone to recharge and rest.
Otherwise, to feel loneliness is to feel a human need for
connection, relationship, and acceptance.
As been noted by many other writers you can be in a crowd of people, but
if you do not have a personal, emotional connection and a relationship you
might as well be alone in the wilderness.
We need people in our lives who show us acceptance of us for who we are
as individuals, and not our professions, livelihoods, or for our wealth.
When we are lonely, we also can visit our other
disappointments and hurts. We can truly
put ourselves in that dark, emotional cave that can be overwhelming and
depressing . . . and maybe suicidal.
Managing our feelings sometimes means stepping back and
understanding our them. Emotional needs
are real and the world does not meet them.
The reality is that it is up to you and I to meet them.
Profundity in Coping is Often Over-rated.
Let’s face it, even though I try to be profound and new in
what I have said in this blog over the years, I continue to be amazed at the
simplicity of the late Wayne Dyer’s statement in his book, Your Erroneous
Zones.
My feelings come from my thoughts.
I can control my thoughts
Therefore, I can control my feelings
When you are highly distressed, you are not necessarily
interest in profound and deep thoughts. As
human beings, sometimes the simplest method is the best method. Profundity in coping is sometimes over-rated.
If we can get our minds on something other than our
loneliness, we are coping. Some people
get their minds on other things by reading or watching something strange on
“You Tube.” Others will do puzzles or
watch TV. Yes, the holidays will likely
be at the back of our mind because the nature of this time of year is to
saturate with Christmas, but if we are not totally dwelling on it, we are
managing our feelings and moving more towards being alone versus feeling
“lonely.”
Lastly, if you are on the edge and you are in crisis and are
contemplating suicide, here are some numbers you can call:
If you are a local reader in Louisville Kentucky you can
call
The Seven Counties Crisis line at 589-4313.
The Peace Hospital Crisis line at 451-3333.
If you are not in Louisville Kentucky, you can call the
National Suicide Hotline at
800-273-TALK (8255)
Or you can call 911.
(911 operators are trained to help these days).
Otherwise, I give you a message of hope. We can get through these moments of
loneliness.
