I got the idea for this post a couple of days ago. Good neighbors solve problems. Good neighbors come to each other when there are problems and talk it out. Rand Paul and his neighbor were examples of a problematic relationship.
Good neighbors who solve problems together create good neighborhoods. Sometimes good neighbors first have to confront another neighbor about a problem to get it solved in the first place. Some people do not know how to confront or talk in ways that solve problems, and this why some people continue to have problems and ongoing drama. Drama does not make for a neighborhood that people want to live in.
Practicing the skill of assertiveness is a healthy way of talking to neighbors about problems.
I wrote the following for a patient education on assertiveness about 16 years ago. This is not the last word nor
is it the most perfect way of presenting the skill of assertiveness. But it is hopefully going to give you an idea
of what assertiveness is and how you can begin to become more assertive if it is a problem for you.
Being “Assertive” essentially
means respectfully standing up for your rights without denying the other
person/people their rights. According
to Alberti and Emmons (1970, 2001) Assertive behavior
1.)
promotes equality in human relationships,
2.)
enables us to act in our own best interests,
3.) to stand up for ourselves without undue
anxiety,
4.) to express feelings honestly and comfortably
Being assertive or
improving your assertiveness can help you be effective in dealing with
depression, anger, resentment, and interpersonal anxiety, especially when those
problems are brought on by unfair circumstances or when your boundaries are
being threatened or even violated.
Otherwise, instead of being
assertive, people can be:
Aggressive– standing up for rights and wants but in a way that
is at the expense of other people. A person being aggressive violates
boundaries, runs over others,
manipulates or even intimidates
others. They come across as hostile
and the bully. This person gets
what they want in the here and now, but that is usually it. People generally avoid a person with this
reputation or a person may be guilty of being aggressive.
Passive– not standing up for rights and wants or at best
indirectly standing up for one’s rights.
A person being passive gets taken advantage of, ran over, manipulated, may not maintain boundaries,
and allows themselves to be intimidated. This person allows avoids problems in the here
and now, but that is usually it. Being
passive is a survival tactic but individuals who make it a habit
can become push-overs and miserable.
Passive-Aggressive–not standing up for your rights, and then out of
resentment or anger acting in an aggressive fashion in another way. This person gets mad because they allowed
themselves to be ran over and mad at the person running them over, and they get
revenge (which is not exactly healthy either).
Life becomes chaotic if this is a habit.
This person just does not know how to stand up for themselves in healthy
ways.
Assertiveness is a
behavior and communication style. that can be learned and you may already be doing it very well in some
form or another in particular situations.
Can you identify where you are good at being assertive?
If assertiveness is a problem
sometimes for you, but you can do it other times, the questions for you to
answer may then be:
In what situations do you
need to be assertive?
(work, family celebrations,
neighbors being noisy)
With whom do you need to be
more assertive?
(bosses, neighbors, family
members, significant others?)
At what times do you need to
be more assertive?
BELIEFS–the root of being passive.
There are virtuous/moral-sounding, but mistaken beliefs
that you may have been taught (pounded in/shamed on you) you as you were
growing up. Believe it or not, our behaviors (including non-assertiveness)
arise from our beliefs. Two sets of beliefs are shared here: the virtuous but mistaken assumptions, and then your legitimate rights.
The
virtuous sounding but mistaken assumptions
1. It is selfish (and shameful) to put your needs before
others’ needs.
2. It is shameful to make
mistakes. You should/must/ought to have
an appropriate response for every situation/occasion.
3. If you cannot convince
others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong or maybe you
are going crazy.
4. You should/must respect
the views of other people, especially if they are in positions of
authority. Keep your differences of
opinions to yourself. Listen and learn.
5. You should/must always try
to be logical and consistent.
6. You should/must be
flexible and adjust. Others have good
reasons for their actions and it’s not polite to question them.
7. You should/must never
interrupt people. Asking questions
reveals your stupidity to others.
8. Things could get even
worse, don’t rock the boat.
9. You shouldn’t take up
others’ valuable time with your problems.
10. People don’t want to hear
that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself.
.
11.When someone takes the
time to give advice,
take it very seriously. They are often right
12. Knowing that you did
something well is its own reward. People
don’t like show-offs. Successful people
are secretly disliked and envied. Be
modest when complimented.
13. You should/must/ought to always try to
accommodate others. If you don’t, they
won’t be there when you need them.
14. Don’t be anti-social. People are going to think you don’t like them
if you say you’d rather be alone instead of with them.
15. You should/must/ought to always have a good
reason for what you feel and do.
16. When someone is in trouble, you
should/must/ought to help them.
17. You should/must/ought to be sensitive to the
needs and wishes of others, even when they are unable to tell you what they
want.
18. It’s always a good policy to stay on people’s
good side.
19. It’s not nice to put people off. If questioned, give an answer.
Did you find yourself holding any of the virtuous but mistaken assumptions (also known as cognitive distortions)? Please do not beat yourself up. Self-awareness is the first step towards positive change. The hope is that you can eventually feel confident in your claim of and your assertion of your legitimate rights.
Your Legitimate Rights
1. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
2. You have a right to make mistakes.
3. You have a right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
4. You have a right to your own opinions and convictions.
5. You have a right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
6. You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
7. You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a right to ask for help or emotional support.
10. You have a right to feel and express pain.
11. You
have a right to ignore the advice of others
12. You
have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
13. You
have a right to say “no.”
14. You
have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
15. You
have a right not to have to justify yourself to others.
16. You
have a right not to take responsibility for someone else’s problem.
17. You
have the right not to have to anticipate other’s needs and wishes.
18. You
have a right not to have to worry about the goodwill of others.
19. You
have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
If you claim your rights, be
sure to grant others these rights. Assertiveness
is not the same as manipulating or persuading others to do what you want.
When you are being assertive.
You are often setting a boundary. This
means you are giving up control of the other person’s reactions. You can only control your behavior and
your responses.
The next step: creating a script for change.
Believe it or not. We actually live our lives in scripts. Scripts are planned or learned words and
phrases we have for situations. One of
the most basic scripts we were taught is this.
One person:
“Thank you.” The other person:
“You’re welcome.”
Non assertive behavior you do
now is a script that you have learned.
Assertiveness is best done in terms of scripts, so for you to improve to
become assertive or more assertive, you need to create new scripts. To create a “script” for assertiveness, you
need to identify a situation (or the situations) where you want to be assertive
or more assertive.
Assertiveness generally uses
“I” Statements versus “You” statements and focuses on behavior instead of
people.
Examples include:
1. I think
. . .________________________________________________________________.
What are your thoughts about
the problematic situation? In answering
it avoid blaming, and be objective about the problem as you see it. Avoid mind-reading or trying to guess about
the feelings or motives of others.
2. I feel . .
.__________________________________________________________________.
What are your
feelings/emotional reactions to the problem.
This works best if you do not hold others responsible for your
feelings. You control your
feelings. Your thought again here is
that you are trying to solve a problem, not blame or prove another person
wrong.
3. I want . . .
________________________________________________________________.
What is your specific
request? It works best if it is specific
and behavioral. People will be able to
do something if is clear.
SAMPLE:
Jim hated hearing Joe’s voice
on the phone about five days before the end of the month. Joe was always calling to ask Jim if Jim
could lend him five bucks. Joe happened
to be a smoker while Jim was not. Joe
smoked expensive cigarettes and was always running out of money before
payday. Jim was tired of giving or
lending Joe money when Jim was short on money too.
Next: How
would you act assertively toward someone?
Here is a couple of ways Jim
might do it.
“Joe, I cannot help
you.” (This one may have to be repeated
a couple of times.)
Or
“Joe, I am tired of getting a
call every month from you asking to borrow money because you are out of cigarettes. I want you to stop calling me like this at
the end of the month for money.”
(This one is assertive, but may be harsh for a few
individual tastes.)
Your script should include tone of voice and body
language:
1.) Maintain direct eye
contact.
2.) Maintain an erect body posture.
3.) Speak clearly, audibly,
and firmly (but calmly).
4.) Do not whine or use an
apologetic tone of voice.
5.) Make use of gestures and
facial expression for emphasis.
What will other people do when you begin to act and
speak assertively?
It depends your situation and it depends on the other
person (s). Some will comply with your assertive requests
(waitresses/waiters in restaurant). Some
(family members/co-workers/bosses/neighbors/other difficult people) will use a
couple of “gambits” or chess moves to keep from complying with your requests,
if not attack your requests. These are
(listed with suggested assertive responses:
1. Laughing it off. They respond to your assertion with a
joke. Use content-process shift, and broken record.
2. Accusation. They blame you for the problem. (It’s your fault.) Use clouding or
simply disagree.
3. The beat-up. They respond with a personal attack. (Who are you to worry about this you loud
mouth?) Use
broken record or clouding.
4. Delaying.
They tell you, “Not now, I’m too tired.” “Another time, maybe.”
Use
broken record or insist on a specific time to deal with it.
5. Why? Why? Why? They give you a series of why? questions.
Use
content-process shift or broken record.
6. Self-pity. They show tears and send a subtle message
that you are being cruel or sadistic.
(I
know this is causing you pain, but I need to get this resolved.)
7. Quibbling. They want to debate the legitimacy of your
feelings or the magnitude of the problem and so on. (Use
content-process shift with an assertion of your right to feel the way you do.)
8. Threats. They make threatening statements.
(Use
content-process shift or defusing or assertive inquiry.)
9. Denial. They claim that they did not do something or
that they were misinterpreted.
(Assert
what you have observed/experienced and use clouding.)
How do you deal with the gambits and avoid
manipulation?
1. Sound like a broken
record. (When someone will not
take “no” for an answer.) Choose a
simple/concise sentence and repeat it over and over again like a broken
record.
2. Make a Content-to
process shift. Shift the
discussion from the topic to an analysis of what is going on between the two of
you (We’re getting off the point. We’ve
been derailed into some old issues. You
appear to be angry with me.)
3. Defusing You
ignore the content of someone’s anger and put off further discussion until the
other person has calmed down. (I can see
that you are upset and angry right now.
Let’s discuss this later this afternoon.)
4. Assertive Delay. Here you put off a response to a challenging
statement until you are calm, have more information, or know exactly how you
want to respond. (Very interesting
point, I’ll have to reserve judgment on that . . . I do not want to talk about
it at this time.)
5. Assertive agreement.
Acknowledge criticism with which you agree.
Here you do not need to give an explanation unless you wish to. (You’re right. I did botch the deal. Thanks for pointing that out to me.)
6. Clouding. When someone is putting you down as a person,
acknowledge something in the criticism with which you can agree, agree in part
or agree in principle, and ignore the rest.
You rephrase the critical person’s words so that you can honestly concur
(not agree but concur). By giving the
appearance of agreeing without promising to change, the critic runs out of
reasons to criticize you. Example:
(agree in part) You’re right. I am late
with the report. (Agree in the
probability) You may be right that I am often late. (Agree in the principle) If I were late as
often as you say, it certainly would be a problem.
7. Assertive inquiry. Prompt criticism in order to find out what is
really bothering the other person.
Examples: What is it about me that you feel is pushy? What is it about my speaking out that bothers
you?
8. Painting the issue. When someone becomes defensive and
personalizes when you make an assertive request in negotiating for something.
Example: This is not an issue of whether your personal check is good. This is an issue of following my insurance
company’s instructions.
DISCLAIMERS
1.
Assertiveness is not
going to fix other people—it is the way you think and the language you use to
set limits.
2.
Other people may not be
thrilled that you are assertive with them—especially if you have a history of
giving them their way.
3.
Assertiveness is going
to require you to have the self-esteem to do it. (see the beliefs)
4.
Assertiveness will feel
weird at first because it is strange if you have not done it.
5.
You are not going to be
able to assertive with everyone or in every situation.
a.) Being
assertive with your boss can run the risk of getting terminated or fired.
b.) There
are aggressive people who are going to do more than game-playing, and are so
dysfunctional and toxic that there is no talking with them.
6.
Assertiveness is best
when you put your mouth where your money is.
a.) When
starting to be assertive you will probably need to start with simple things.
b.) When
starting to be assertive you will probably need to start with small things.
c.) When
starting to be assertive you will probably need to practice on strangers like
telemarketers and retail clerks then work up to family members and
coworkers.
CONCLUSION:
This has been a very quick
and dirty session on assertiveness. Take
this and study it if you are interested
in learning more about assertiveness, and becoming more assertive. It will take effort, but it is worth it in
helping you feel more empowered in situations you encounter on your journey through
life.
Assertiveness is a behavior
and communication style that can hep you increase your personal power. It requires that you examine your
beliefs. If you do not accept your
assertive rights, you will be unlikely to be assertive.
Again as mentioned, being
assertive is often the same as setting a boundary. You cannot control how
people will react to your assertive requests and behavior. There are some options as to how you can
respond which you can practice. However,
when you are trying to be assertive with very difficult people, aggressive or
even violent people, you may have to leave the situation in the name of
safety. You may even need to break the
relationship if they are not going to cooperate. Some people are not going to be reasoned with
. . . even by professionals.
Assertiveness requires
practice. Get an idea where you need to be more assertive. Develop a script.
You are the end party
responsible for your life. You will
either do things to feel better, or you will fail to do things to feel
better. Assertiveness can be a part of
that better future.
Nevertheless, assertiveness
is not going to be a cure all. It is
part of the way you conduct business overall in your life with other
people. If the word and deed do not go
hand-in-hand, words do not mean anything
Further Reading
Davis, M. Robbins-Eshelman, E, McKay, M.(2001) The
Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook. 5ed. Oakland, CA:
New Harbinger Publications. (Much of
this lesson was derived from this book’s 4ed)
Alberti, R. and Emmons M. Your
Perfect Right. (2001) 8ed. Atascadero, CA:
Impact Publishers.
